


yes i am very complicated, thank you.

by InsideMyBrain



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Lower Decks (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst I guess, Awkwardness, Backstory, Character Study, Developing Friendships, Dialogue Heavy, Drinking, Family Issues, Gen, Lowercase, some implied mariner/boimler if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 13:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25849972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsideMyBrain/pseuds/InsideMyBrain
Summary: he'd served with her for a year, and still, one question only plagued his mind: why had she enlisted in the first place?
Relationships: Beckett Mariner & Brad Boimler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	yes i am very complicated, thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> yes there is only one episode out. yes I am writing fic for it. yes this backstory im headcanoning for mariner will probably get proven wrong in the next few weeks. no I do not care. ❤️️

brad swirled his drink in its glass, watching the light blue liquid swish. "i've been wondering... why did you join starfleet in the first place, mariner?"

"because, boims... there was a time when i thought i could make my parents proud." beckett met his eyes for the first time in the conversation, her expression rueful and sad, and it was enough to take his breath away for a split-second. "i was young, and stupid - stupider than i am now, if you can believe it - and i applied for starfleet academy as soon as i turned sixteen. i worked hard, studied hard, passed every exam with flying colours, graduated, got assigned to a starship - and then what? i wasted my teenage years on a career i felt pressured into."

"captain freeman-"

"oh, she never explicitly said she wanted me in starfleet. but she was so _proud_. both her and my dad were so proud of the work they were doing, so convinced they were the heroes you think of them as." she finished what was left in her glass, only coughing a little. "and i never saw them. we basically only spent holidays together, _if_ they could manage to get the time off. i thought- i don't know what i thought." she sighed.

"that if you followed in their footsteps, you could maybe get to know them?" brad suggested gently.

"yeah, maybe. or maybe that they'd finally... notice me? think of me as a priority? actually _talk_ to me?" beckett shook her head. "you're wrong, boimler. they really _don't_ care about people. starting with their own daughters." she sniffled, her shoulders shook, and he noted with a start that she was crying. he'd never seen her like this, and it made him awkward and stiff.

"uh... it's okay." he patted her shoulder. "i'm sorry."

"no- fuck- shut up, don't look at me." she shrugged his hand off, and it fell listlessly to his side. she wiped her eyes aggressively. "and then, y'know, i served on a ship. and i saw for myself how fucked up starfleet can get, all this bureaucracy - it bulldozes the struggling people they claim to want to help. i'm right," she glared, "i know i am. and the longer you stick around, you'll realize it too." 

"the rules are in place for a reason, though, mariner. and that reason is that they work. okay, sure, some things might take a while. but in the end, we do help. what we do on this ship is important, each one of us _worker drones_ -" he made air quotes around the term- "is important, but without that bureaucracy, without the senior officers, we'd be lost and of no help at all."

"but what happens in that while?" she snapped. "you hear it a million times, a classic story: a planet needs help, a war, a famine, whatever, and they call on the federation for help. help takes so long to arrive that it's too late by the time it does. i've seen it with my own eyes." she rolled them now. "dude, you got assigned to spy on me _by my mom._ don't you think that tells you something?"

"uh..."

"that they don't know how to do anything! all they know is cite regulation, give orders, and lie."

brad chortled. 

beckett drummed her nails on the table. "why do they fucking care so much? where was this energy when i actually needed it?" she muttered.

brad hesitated, then placed his hand over hers. the clacking of her nails against the smooth surface stopped abruptly. "sounds like you still need it."

beckett looked down, at his larger, pale hand placed overtop hers, and quickly drew her arm close to her body. "yeah, uh, can we go back to you hating me?" she laughed awkwardly. "or at least, like, not knowing all this shit about me."

"i won't mention anything to anyone," he promised.

she smiled tiredly. "thanks... brad. you're not such an idiot sometimes, you know that?"

"only sometimes." he smiled back. "anytime, beckett."


End file.
